Surprising myself, I have made it to New Zealand alive.

It feels very surreal having this moment finally arrive. All of the anticipation and nerves that I tampered down for so long have culminated in this: me finally stepping foot in a country whose name came up more times this past year than I previously ever thought it would in a lifetime.

At some moments, I feel overwhelmingly underprepared. In others, I feel like I have prepared just the correct amount. These two sides will continue to war for who-knows-how-long, or maybe until everything just comes crumbling down from unforeseen forces.

Even in other areas, I am again stuck between two feelings. On one hand, I am very excited to be here on my own and explore a brand new place. On the other, I worry that I have left behind everyone and everything I know and love for some pipe dream of chasing after an exciting life. I know the answers will only come with time, and I can only patiently allow the pieces to fall into place.

I could continue on down a rabbit hole and really bring my mood down on my first day, but that wouldn’t be setting myself up for success. I plan to move forward by doing something new every day that I’m here and making the most of it. Then, even if I ultimately don’t need the entire amount of time here I am allowed, I can still be proud of what I’ve done and leave this country feeling like I gained a once in a lifetime experience.

I envision this time will possess a lot of stepping out of my comfort zone, and listening to my gut when it tells me it’s time to move on. If I feel I’m not growing or not in the environment I desired to find, I’m making it my mission to go out and find the one that fits right. I don’t want any regrets, or to feel like I travelled 9,000 miles for nothing.

While having more of the answers under my belt before coming here may have assuaged some of my fears, I am still grateful to be open to the unending realm of possibilities. What I need and desire will find me, I only need to keep exploring and working hard to narrow down what it is I truly want.

This post wasn’t as exciting as I hope the rest will be, but I wanted to throw in some first impressions as a starting point so that I can really compare it to the end results. My writing and mind feels like kind of a mess as I try to put it all into words, but it’s my hope that the messiest beginnings make for the best stories.

As for the title, clearly I am the one who embarked on this journey and “let myself do this,” but the craziness and enormity of this whole experience was really hitting me during my two separate flights and landings in New Zealand. That phrase kept running through my head as I wrapped it around my new reality.

This is going to be a major adjustment, and I hope it is just the adjustment that I need.

But, on the bright side, that 13 hour flight from LAX to Auckland honestly felt like nothing, and that feels like an accomplishment in itself.